I WANT A CHILD

My mum would probably tell me,”Unataka mtoto na bado hujaweza kujilea?” (How do you want a kid yet you can barely fend for yourself?”

Okay. May be she is right. But then she could be wrong too. I never argue with mama.

I have -or rather I’ve always had- this insatiable want for kids. Every time I see a child I just want to make them mine.

You see, there’s something about having that small thing messing you up.
The accidental “pee spill” because you did not wrap them up, saliva all over your face when they droll on you, the yellow stain on your white shirt when that excess breast milk they suckled finds solace on your white cotton shirt.

If you ask me, there’s no better feeling than going home to a miniature you who makes it their sole purpose to wreak havoc within and without you. More so if that brat can walk and mumble a few audible words. They will religiously wait for you to get home from work and immediately you walk through the door mummy is forgotten momentarily. Well, till they remember they need something from her or mummy feels she is losing her man to her kids! Ha ha. Women though.

I want to get home to the sight of a mini-Muthumbi seated on the floor trying to figure out why their IPad air won’t connect to their galaxy s-whatever (Galaxy S10 maybe?). Yes! I will turn that tiny bastard to what I am. A tech freak.

Then we can spend all night playing around with Odin, S Voice, Siri and so much more. May be at some point, if they become a pain in the bum I will have to brick one of their devices as punishment. No grounding for my angel.

And when my baby eventually comes along, their mom will be momentarily forgotten. I will be all hers when we get to bed so she has to let me hang out with our progeny as much as I can.

Changing diapers? No biggie. But if that crafty idiot pees on my face while I wrap them up, they just might end up spending the day in my shirt. I don’t care whether it’s cold or not. okay. If it gets chilly I might throw in a tie. After all baby’s bum needs some aeration. Right?

Feeding time!
Boy oh boy! That thing better love its food.
I’d hate it if they ever took after daddy.
Feeding him/her would probably be the 2^nd best ordeal after screwing up gadgets.
Then as always, we’d wash down the food with a chilled bottle of beer. Oh! Sorry. Beer for me, vodka for them. Oops! Sorry. I meant vodka for me *hic* beer…aargh! Whatever they want for themselves. To be honest I think it would be great blacking out together with my brood. That way I am sure of waking up with my wallet and phone intact. I am not so sure about my phone though (unless it will be waterproof). And we’d be safe till my baby mama comes along and wreaks havoc. Once again, women though!

Sleeping time. I would really love to squeeze into that baby cot but I don’t want my woman to feel neglected. So I would spend the night with her. But if “chief” cries during the night I am so bringing them to OUR bed! She’ll just have to deal with it.

And so I pray to God that I will be the best father, daddy, friend and confidant to my kids.

Do not be fooled. I am a disciplinarian so asses will be whooped from time to time. Sparing the rod has never crossed my African mind.

Guys my age think I’m crazy. But my craving for being a dad and father is real.

To my babies, wherever you idiots are, daddy can’t wait to meet you.